ja to be honest
i knew it was a bad idea
but i never turn down a bad idea
for no chance of success.
i would rather lie dully awake in the bright
morning with my fantasy
of the future—and this is in forest town,
johannesburg—did you ever imagine someone
so doomed would be thinking of you there?
but you’ll take it in stride.
if i won out of all this
it would be like the dog who caught the car
and so unworthy am i of this thing
i can hardly imagine.
so ja this is like the box of alcoholic jam i bought
at kernersville for the one i told you about,
it was the beginning of the end
and what a beginning it was.
it was with jam
and delusions
thinking we would
marry
key lime pie and thinking with
a puffed up chest
at the gas station in martinsville
that i really had it made;
it all ended in that warm house off
wonju street
the last day i was happy
(i used to say that all the time).
i had to get up for church this morning
and because i could see the jig was up
i wrote you something
self-destructive.
but then you knew that this was who i am—
really though
i think you know
me best.
